James Anderson 2 weeks ago
Heather Douglas and her father, Archie, a retired Army Officer, are sharing their reflections of life as a military family and the transition from service to veteran.
Heather is our Ruby Boots Co-ordinator and is passionate about supporting children and young people to make the successful transition to civilian life.
Find out more about Ruby Boots
The whole family serves, and the whole family leaves.
Growing up in a military family meant constant movement—relocating every 18 months became my normal. Surrounded by other military kids, I learned to adapt quickly, making friends and absorbing different cultures almost instinctively. Life as a military child exposed me to realities many don’t experience: the impacts of service, potential loss, and the complexities of sacrifice.
There was an unspoken expectation to always be strong, to always cope. Looking back, I realise I rarely had the chance to truly process the changes happening around me. Resilience became my default, masking a deeper emotional landscape that remained largely unexplored.
The transition to civilian education was anything but smooth. I was a misfit, different in ways that weren’t immediately visible. Triggers lurked in unexpected corners of the school system. Once fully immersed in civilian life, I experienced bullying— the psychological kind that comes from misunderstandings.
My military upbringing had equipped me with a sense of structure, discipline, and respect that seemed alien to my civilian peers. I struggled to comprehend the lack of order, the different social dynamics, and the seemingly casual treatment of individuality. While I knew there was no singular “right” way to be, the cultural shock was profound and disorienting.
My family’s journey took an unexpected turn when my dad left military service seeking stability. Just a year later, he was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. Suddenly, I became a young carer, navigating personal challenges while trying to find my place in a world that seemed so different from my military upbringing.
Balancing multiple responsibilities—caring for my father, managing school, and processing significant life changes, as well as the normal battles of the teenage years —taught me more about resilience than I could have imagined. I learned that strength isn’t about never feeling vulnerable, but about continuing forward despite challenges.
Today, my military childhood remains a significant part of who I am. I’ve gained perspectives that differ from many of my peers—an understanding of service, sacrifice, and the true meaning of adaptability. Yet, I’m still learning to bridge the gap between my military background and civilian life.
I’ve come to appreciate that my experiences, while unique, don’t make me better or worse than others—just different. Each of us carries our own story, shaped by our individual journeys.
We are all shaped by our experiences, defined by our resilience, and constantly bridging different worlds.
Most MCs are born into and grow up in service, so, on their parent’s discharge, the MC will have had little experience or understanding of civilian life.
During the life of the MC, that child may often have moved house and possibly country every eighteen months. That child may have lived in a safe environment in which friends were made very quickly.
The MC may have had the freedom to roam with friends in safety, making dens and dams and may have had exposure to adventurous and life-affirming experiences like having flown in helicopters, lunched with penguins or swum with dolphins. Many of their friends’ parents were serving in the military so had loads in common and all were expected to behave in a certain way around the camp.
All MCs may have spent long periods of their childhood in a one-parent family with the other parent away for extended periods. The MC or a friend may have had to deal with the grief caused by the death or life-changing injury of a parent. They may then have had to wear a brave face to wave goodbye to the MC’s parent as he or she left to serve in the same place the parent was lost.
So the MC has lived with great freedom in an environment that was protective and supportive – an enormous community in which all got on with the other even if they didn’t like each other. They were used to making the best of every new situation. This means the MC often had, to mature quickly, but their experiences can make them vulnerable when the blanket of security of comradeship and structure is suddenly taken away.
As a parent, as I left the service to settle my children into High School, I was focused on my own resettlement after twenty years of service, focused on ensuring that I could provide for my children, yet failed to appreciate what an impact leaving would have on them. I have since heard of many similar experiences: of children getting itchy feet after eighteen months in one place, getting bored without the uncertainty, excitement and constant change of childhood in service. Of being too forward in making friends so finding themselves misunderstood or shunned by their civilian peers. Of having little common ground. Of feeling out of place, different, a misfit.
A resettlement package focused on the needs of the MC, and how the parents might best assist and support their child’s introduction to civilian life may have avoided a significant amount of emotional trauma in my own children’s transition.
In so doing we deliver into society, individuals who are free-thinking and reliable, who are true team players, and who are used to making the best of every new situation. Supporting the MC in their introduction to civilian life can turn challenges into strengths realising their potential in modern society.
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